You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
