Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
