i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
