Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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