I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
