ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
