1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We talked him into tasing himself.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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