I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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