so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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