My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
