Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
