You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
