As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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