I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just forgot I was standing up.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
