If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
