k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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