How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
