If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
