Redeem this text for a blowjob
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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