They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
