you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
