Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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