This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
