No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
