Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toyâ€
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