my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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