i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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