the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
