did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
