Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
