Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
