I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry about my life...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
