dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
