I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
