Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
