This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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