this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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