yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
