This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
