she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
