Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
