I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
