I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
