Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
