He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
