it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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