i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
