i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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