And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
