If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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