the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
