I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
