Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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