you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
