accomplished twins. life is a go
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
