if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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