Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
