Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
