You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
