Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
